4/24/2009: No surgery yet, getting back on track...

I didn't have surgery a few weeks ago. My insurance fell through at the last minute. I've been approved for Medicaid now, and will probably reschedule the surgery soon, but there are a few things I'd like to get taken care of first.

First and foremost, I need to get myself back into therapy BEFORE surgery. It's not a question, and I've realized that now. I've been having fleeting thoughts once again about self-injury and restricting/purging. Which makes me realize that whenever things are tough, I fall back on -or seriously think about falling back on- my addictive behaviors. Because that's what I am. An addict. It's so weird to me, because the world views addicts as people who drink, smoke, snort, swallow, or shoot a toxic substance. But it is so much more than that. I'm addicted to cutting myself. I'm addicted to food. I'm addicted to purging. There are many, many more ways that I'm addicted. And I've finally realized that it doesn't matter HOW many surgeries I have, nothing will ever "cure" me. I have to work through my issues on a therapist's couch, pay for them in tears.

Secondly, I need to go to the offices in Coldwater and at least get started with my GED. I got my housing contract from UMF today, and Amanda said, "Well, you know, if you don't get that GED, that contract is null and void, anyway." I can't stay in this house for God knows how many more years, of that I'm certain, so it's off to the office to inquire. I need to get a 48 or better on the test, that was what I was told.

I have my protein and vitamins sitting out on the counter waiting for me for tomorrow and I've decided that this is another thing. I have to learn how to eat correctly in my present situation NOW or else another surgery won't do jack. I've been feeling so crappy; lethargic, unmotivated, sick... and I KNOW it's because I'm not eating what I should or drinking water. So that's the first step I'm taking for tomorrow. Here's the food plan:

Breakfast: 1 egg, softly scrambled with some sausage and cheddar cheese
Supplement: 1 Bullet crushed in the Magic Bullet with ice and a little bit of water and CL for a slushie!
Lunch: Black bean soup with cheddar cheese
Supplement: Double scoop Nectar Strawberry-Kiwi with Wild Strawberry CL and water
Dinner: Tuna salad, 1 can tuna with a little mayo, mustard, and maybe a chopped pickle since I don't have any cheese to go with it
Supplement: Nectar Sweets Vanilla Bean Torte with a shot of Da Vinci Caramel and an even smaller shot of Da Vinci Kahlua... maybe some unsweetened cocoa powder, we shall see. My evening treat. ;)

Looks like a lovely protein filled day to me! Now, just add water, vitamins, and a little excercise, rinse and repeat. Ha! I'll get the hang of this "switching on your brain" and "being positive" thing. Slowly but surely. :)