It blows my mind that in four days, I won't be sitting in this extremely comfortable bed here in my bedroom at the top of the stairs in Ohio. I'll be sitting on a twin bed in a dorm room at Spring Arbor University. I'll be talking about classes and people and events. I'm worried that I'll be homesick. It's strange to me, to see all of these people who are having such a hard time saying goodbye. They all seem so deeply rooted in their churches, high schools, and high school friendships. That was never me, so I look at it with curiosity and little understanding. Sometimes it hurts to know that, other than my family, I really don't have anyone to say goodbye to or anyone that wants to say goodbye to me. I look forward to college so much because I see it as my chance to build the friendships in high school that never came. Friendships rooted in Christ. That thrills me.
Even with as much anticipation as I have, I'm still so apprehensive. I've never been good in social situations with large groups of people. I don't know what to say or how to act, and people really don't know how to respond to me a lot of the time. After all, overweight people will always make people uncomfortable. A fact I don't like about the world, but one that, no matter how much you dislike it, is still true. I try and tell myself that it'll be different this time. High school wasn't the fairy tale experience for me. High school was hell on earth, and the last thing I want is for it to be repeated. I have this whole new, fresh chance sitting smack dab in front of me... waiting for four more days. It's overwhelming.
I have to take it in in small pieces. If I really try to wrap my brain around what this means, I could very well have another panic attack. Still... I choose to look at the amazing things that I KNOW are going to come of this and not the things that scare me or make me so extremely nervous. I can't believe the journey God has taken me on over the past three months. Because three months ago, I was a high school dropout. I was so resigned, and I just begged God to show me the next move... what to do next. It was only in casual passing that a former teacher whom I'm still really close with mentioned that I should apply for SAU. I thought, "Yeah... right." But did it, anyway.
For years, I swore I'd never, ever be caught DEAD at a Christian school. Too much hurt and pain associated with the church and its "organization" to even consider it. I had to take my GED tests, and that was nerve-wracking. Aside from merely passing, there was a certain score I had to attain to be automatically permitted to SAU, and that's what I was aiming for. I told God that I never could have dreamed this for myself. That's the point. I didn't dream this for myself. It wasn't my dream. I KNOW, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that this was God's dream for me. When my GED scores came, I thought they were enough... somewhere in the back of my brain, I KNEW they were enough. I'll never forget the day when Lauren from the admissions office said, "Ashlee, I'm glad to be the first to officially welcome you to the Spring Arbor University Class of 2013." I went over the MOON! From blessings in financial aid to classes to the most awesome admissions rep to the best roommate that was totally God ordained to a total stranger giving me a laptop... God has PROVEN to me that He exists over these past three months, something I've been beggging for since I was thirteen years old. He has filled me, anointed the path of my feet, and completely taken over my life.
"Pushed to the wall, I called to God; from the wide open spaces, he answered. God's now at my side and I'm not afraid; who would dare lay a hand on me? God's my strong champion; I flick off my enemies like flies. Far better to take refuge in God than trust in people; Far better to take refuge in God than trust in celebrities. Hemmed in by barbarians, in God's name I rubbed their faces in the dirt; Hemmed in and with no way out, in God's name I rubbed their faces in the dirt; Like swarming bees, like wild prairie fire, they hemmed me in; in God's name I rubbed their faces in the dirt. I was right on the cliff-edge, ready to fall, when God grabbed and held me. God's my strength, he's also my song, and now he's my salvation. Hear the shouts, hear the triumph songs in the camp of the saved? "The hand of God has turned the tide! The hand of God is raised in victory! The hand of God has turned the tide!" Psalm 118:5-16, The Message (emphasis mine)
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Setting boundaries
It's funny to me how even the most ordinary days can have lessons tucked inside of them. I was literally sitting there today, thinking to myself, "Well this day is going to be hard to blog about", that's how boring it was. That amuses me. Even with today being so ordinary, though, I still learned something. And if I can make it stick, I know it will help me in college and beyond.
No one likes to be wrong. It's a horrible thing at the start. Often, when we're wrong, we end up learning from it and appreciating the mistake, but that doesn't mean it isn't hard to own. I, for one, know that when someone points out that I'm wrong, I usually get very quiet and refuse to look them in the eyes, afraid of either bursting out in tears or in anger. It upsets me when I'm less than perfect because I always thought that being right made things easier... just because someone is right doesn't make them better, it just allows for learning and growing. Besides, humans are creatures of habit. There are many many things I grew up knowing that weren't right or justified and, even now, I hate to have them challenged. Once they're pointed out to me and explained, it becomes my obligation to correct them in my life and to start anew. That's scary, in case you didn't know.
Some of the ways I function are all I've ever known. Even if it's not correct or "normal", it's normal to me. It seems fine to me because that's just the way things were. So when it's pointed out to me that something isn't normal or correct, I usually get upset because I realize how screwed up it is and how I have to change it. Change isn't easy, and humans will always look for the easy way out. Which, I think, is why faith can be so difficult to walk out. Humans are animals with instincts. And our survival instinct always tells us to make things as easy as possible. Faith isn't easy. Living it out is even harder than just having it in the first place. It takes constant diligence and awareness. It's hard work. And it's totally worth it.
What if you could have everything you ever needed? Well you can. God wants for us to be peaceful and still, but there are still reasons why this walk is compared so many times to physical activity in the scriptures. How hard is it for you to run a mile? How about five miles? Ten? That's what I thought... everyone gets worn out at some point. So it's a good thing that Jesus is the ultimate rejuvenator. You can run and run and run... as long as He lives in you, you'll always be able to keep going. Live to fight one more day. I can honestly say that's the only reason why I've made it this far and why I have hope for such an amazing future. Because an amazing God has the helm of my life. IS my life!
"Why would you ever complain, O Jacob, or, whine, Israel, saying,"God has lost track of me. He doesn't care what happens to me"? Don't you know anything? Haven't you been listening? God doesn't come and go. God lasts. He's Creator of all you can see or imagine. He doesn't get tired out, doesn't pause to catch his breath. And he knows everything, inside and out. He energizes those who get tired, gives fresh strength to dropouts. For even young people tire and drop out, young folk in their prime stumble and fall. But those who wait upon God get fresh strength. They spread their wings and soar like eagles, They run and don't get tired, they walk and don't lag behind." Isaiah 40:31 (Message)
"Do you see what this means—all these pioneers who blazed the way, all these veterans cheering us on? It means we'd better get on with it. Strip down, start running—and never quit! No extra spiritual fat, no parasitic sins. Keep your eyes on Jesus, who both began and finished this race we're in. Study how he did it. Because he never lost sight of where he was headed—that exhilarating finish in and with God—he could put up with anything along the way: Cross, shame, whatever. And now he's there, in the place of honor, right alongside God. When you find yourselves flagging in your faith, go over that story again, item by item, that long litany of hostility he plowed through. That will shoot adrenaline into your souls!" Hebrews 12:1-2 (Message)
"I'm not saying that I have this all together, that I have it made. But I am well on my way, reaching out for Christ, who has so wondrously reached out for me. Friends, don't get me wrong: By no means do I count myself an expert in all of this, but I've got my eye on the goal, where God is beckoning us onward—to Jesus. I'm off and running, and I'm not turning back. So let's keep focused on that goal, those of us who want everything God has for us. If any of you have something else in mind, something less than total commitment, God will clear your blurred vision—you'll see it yet! Now that we're on the right track, let's stay on it." Philippians 3:12-16 (Message)
No one likes to be wrong. It's a horrible thing at the start. Often, when we're wrong, we end up learning from it and appreciating the mistake, but that doesn't mean it isn't hard to own. I, for one, know that when someone points out that I'm wrong, I usually get very quiet and refuse to look them in the eyes, afraid of either bursting out in tears or in anger. It upsets me when I'm less than perfect because I always thought that being right made things easier... just because someone is right doesn't make them better, it just allows for learning and growing. Besides, humans are creatures of habit. There are many many things I grew up knowing that weren't right or justified and, even now, I hate to have them challenged. Once they're pointed out to me and explained, it becomes my obligation to correct them in my life and to start anew. That's scary, in case you didn't know.
Some of the ways I function are all I've ever known. Even if it's not correct or "normal", it's normal to me. It seems fine to me because that's just the way things were. So when it's pointed out to me that something isn't normal or correct, I usually get upset because I realize how screwed up it is and how I have to change it. Change isn't easy, and humans will always look for the easy way out. Which, I think, is why faith can be so difficult to walk out. Humans are animals with instincts. And our survival instinct always tells us to make things as easy as possible. Faith isn't easy. Living it out is even harder than just having it in the first place. It takes constant diligence and awareness. It's hard work. And it's totally worth it.
What if you could have everything you ever needed? Well you can. God wants for us to be peaceful and still, but there are still reasons why this walk is compared so many times to physical activity in the scriptures. How hard is it for you to run a mile? How about five miles? Ten? That's what I thought... everyone gets worn out at some point. So it's a good thing that Jesus is the ultimate rejuvenator. You can run and run and run... as long as He lives in you, you'll always be able to keep going. Live to fight one more day. I can honestly say that's the only reason why I've made it this far and why I have hope for such an amazing future. Because an amazing God has the helm of my life. IS my life!
"Why would you ever complain, O Jacob, or, whine, Israel, saying,"God has lost track of me. He doesn't care what happens to me"? Don't you know anything? Haven't you been listening? God doesn't come and go. God lasts. He's Creator of all you can see or imagine. He doesn't get tired out, doesn't pause to catch his breath. And he knows everything, inside and out. He energizes those who get tired, gives fresh strength to dropouts. For even young people tire and drop out, young folk in their prime stumble and fall. But those who wait upon God get fresh strength. They spread their wings and soar like eagles, They run and don't get tired, they walk and don't lag behind." Isaiah 40:31 (Message)
"Do you see what this means—all these pioneers who blazed the way, all these veterans cheering us on? It means we'd better get on with it. Strip down, start running—and never quit! No extra spiritual fat, no parasitic sins. Keep your eyes on Jesus, who both began and finished this race we're in. Study how he did it. Because he never lost sight of where he was headed—that exhilarating finish in and with God—he could put up with anything along the way: Cross, shame, whatever. And now he's there, in the place of honor, right alongside God. When you find yourselves flagging in your faith, go over that story again, item by item, that long litany of hostility he plowed through. That will shoot adrenaline into your souls!" Hebrews 12:1-2 (Message)
"I'm not saying that I have this all together, that I have it made. But I am well on my way, reaching out for Christ, who has so wondrously reached out for me. Friends, don't get me wrong: By no means do I count myself an expert in all of this, but I've got my eye on the goal, where God is beckoning us onward—to Jesus. I'm off and running, and I'm not turning back. So let's keep focused on that goal, those of us who want everything God has for us. If any of you have something else in mind, something less than total commitment, God will clear your blurred vision—you'll see it yet! Now that we're on the right track, let's stay on it." Philippians 3:12-16 (Message)
Monday, August 31, 2009
6 Days and Counting...
Technically, there are still seven days since it's not midnight yet, but I figure after eight o'clock, a day is pretty much over. At least right now. Once I'm in school, I think I'll extend that rule to ten o'clock. Homework is going to be interesting to have again since I've been out of school longer than everyone else in my class. And even when I was IN school, homework wasn't a priority like it should've been. So I guess what I'm saying will be interesting is having homework that I actually DO. Ha.
I got two more textbooks in the mail today. So that means so far I have Opus 1, MLA Handbook, and Christian Paths to Health and Wellness, which looks like an... interesting... text. It's what made me realize that public school textbooks are soooo 2008. ;-) It's also what made me realize that, oh yeah, I'm going to SCHOOL. With college, there's so much excess stuff you have to worry about, that it can start to seem like you'll be at a really long, extended summer camp. When the textbooks start arriving, it kind of slaps you back to reality like, oh yeah, I'm going to school. As in, like homework, projects, research papers, studying... SCHOOL.
I went to the library today, too, and I was glad I did. I've always loved make-up and playing around with it. I'm pretty good with it, too, and have done make-up looks for my friends for dates, formals... even prom once. I think when you're overweight you tend to focus on things other than clothes. Clothes shopping is depressing and makes you sad, and no normal person likes to feel sad, so I fixate on shoes, where I can always find a pair I adore in my size, and things like make-up and purses, that don't require a size to indulge in. Anyway, whether I'm fat or skinny, I really love the stuff so today when I was at the library, I picked up a copy of "The 5 Minute Face: The Quick and Easy Makeup Guide for Every Woman" by Carmindy, whose a celebrity makeup artist (she's made up Heidi Klum and Cindy Crawford amongst many others), and is the makeup artist for TLC's "What Not To Wear", a favorite show of mine.
This book is FABULOUS. Seriously, more good advice than so many of the other books I've picked up. I trust her, because I've seen her work. Some of the things she advises, you don't even think about. For example, as far as skin care goes. We all seem to get stuck in a "cleanser-toner-moisturizer" rut, but for toner, she recommends rose water from a health foods store! That's awesome! I just really like the book and all the pointers in it, and I'll probably take notes. Especially with her section on eyebrow-plucking, which I desperately need to do and am terrified of. It hurrrttttssss... Beauty is pain, I guess.
I'm still on my hunt for a good devotional book that can keep my interest. It's really hard to do, because I get bored so easily and distracted so easily that so many of the devotional books I attempt to make my way through get tedious and then I quit, which isn't good. My prayer journal is still adorable, though. It makes me feel all Indie-cool. Haha. Now all I need is a knit-beret, a pair of skinny jeans, and a Starbucks, all of which are not hard to find. Well... maybe the skinny jeans. They're okay for some girls, but I would never, EVER wear them. I considered it once, but then I thought of the actual name of the jeans and figured I'd forego it for my own sake. I'd love ten minutes with Stacy and Clinton from What Not to Wear so they could tell me how to pick the perfect pair of jeans.
Gosh... where did all of this vanity come from? Haha. Makeup, jeans, eyebrow plucking... all of it is a quest to present this image that seems so put-together, flawless, perfect, whatever you want to call it. We try and portray to the world something that never seems true for anyone. We like to make the world believe that our lives aren't falling down around us, that we really do have it all figured out. It's funny to me when I see those girls who seem so confident and know it's all feigned. Really, they're the most insecure girls in the world. And all they want is to be loved. I used to be like that. Sometimes I still AM like that. What was that song by Out of Eden? "Looking for love in all the wrong places//just to find someone who can erase the hurt". That was me. I looked for love and comfort from men, but they're flawed and imperfect. I looked for love and comfort from a blade, but all it did was unravel me, string by string. I still look for comfort in food, but it ends up hurting me so much.
God is perfect love. God is perfect comfort. God is perfect. Human beings can't understand perfection, we don't know what that is because imperfection is at the core of our being. Until we reach glory, we will never understand God's perfection... we can't even begin to fathom it. But from experience... you don't have to understand something to give your life to it. That goes for more than just God. I didn't understand why I "had" to cut myself to alleviate the stressors in my life, but I know that it controlled my life for a very long time. You don't have to understand something to let it have control, and you don't have to understand to love. Love reaches deeper than understanding or comprehension and goes further than our petty emotions. Especially perfect love. We'll never be able to love perfectly -or do anything perfectly, for that matter- so isn't it great that we have a God whose very nature is perfection?
What if I could speak all languages of humans and of angels? If I did not love others, I would be nothing more than a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. What if I could prophesy and understand all secrets and all knowledge? And what if I had faith that moved mountains? I would be nothing, unless I loved others. What if I gave away all that I owned and let myself be burned alive? I would gain nothing, unless I loved others. Love is kind and patient, never jealous, boastful, proud, or rude. Love isn't selfish or quick tempered. It doesn't keep a record of wrongs that others do. Love rejoices in the truth, but not in evil. Love is always supportive, loyal, hopeful, and trusting. Love never fails! Everyone who prophesies will stop, and unknown languages will no longer be spoken. All that we know will be forgotten. We don't know everything, and our prophecies are not complete. But what is perfect will someday appear, and what isn't perfect will then disappear. When we were children, we thought and reasoned as children do. But when we grew up, we quit our childish ways. Now all we can see of God is like a cloudy picture in a mirror. Later we will see him face to face. We don't know everything, but then we will, just as God completely understands us. For now there are faith, hope, and love. But of these three, the greatest is love. 1 Corinthians 13
I got two more textbooks in the mail today. So that means so far I have Opus 1, MLA Handbook, and Christian Paths to Health and Wellness, which looks like an... interesting... text. It's what made me realize that public school textbooks are soooo 2008. ;-) It's also what made me realize that, oh yeah, I'm going to SCHOOL. With college, there's so much excess stuff you have to worry about, that it can start to seem like you'll be at a really long, extended summer camp. When the textbooks start arriving, it kind of slaps you back to reality like, oh yeah, I'm going to school. As in, like homework, projects, research papers, studying... SCHOOL.
I went to the library today, too, and I was glad I did. I've always loved make-up and playing around with it. I'm pretty good with it, too, and have done make-up looks for my friends for dates, formals... even prom once. I think when you're overweight you tend to focus on things other than clothes. Clothes shopping is depressing and makes you sad, and no normal person likes to feel sad, so I fixate on shoes, where I can always find a pair I adore in my size, and things like make-up and purses, that don't require a size to indulge in. Anyway, whether I'm fat or skinny, I really love the stuff so today when I was at the library, I picked up a copy of "The 5 Minute Face: The Quick and Easy Makeup Guide for Every Woman" by Carmindy, whose a celebrity makeup artist (she's made up Heidi Klum and Cindy Crawford amongst many others), and is the makeup artist for TLC's "What Not To Wear", a favorite show of mine.
This book is FABULOUS. Seriously, more good advice than so many of the other books I've picked up. I trust her, because I've seen her work. Some of the things she advises, you don't even think about. For example, as far as skin care goes. We all seem to get stuck in a "cleanser-toner-moisturizer" rut, but for toner, she recommends rose water from a health foods store! That's awesome! I just really like the book and all the pointers in it, and I'll probably take notes. Especially with her section on eyebrow-plucking, which I desperately need to do and am terrified of. It hurrrttttssss... Beauty is pain, I guess.
I'm still on my hunt for a good devotional book that can keep my interest. It's really hard to do, because I get bored so easily and distracted so easily that so many of the devotional books I attempt to make my way through get tedious and then I quit, which isn't good. My prayer journal is still adorable, though. It makes me feel all Indie-cool. Haha. Now all I need is a knit-beret, a pair of skinny jeans, and a Starbucks, all of which are not hard to find. Well... maybe the skinny jeans. They're okay for some girls, but I would never, EVER wear them. I considered it once, but then I thought of the actual name of the jeans and figured I'd forego it for my own sake. I'd love ten minutes with Stacy and Clinton from What Not to Wear so they could tell me how to pick the perfect pair of jeans.
Gosh... where did all of this vanity come from? Haha. Makeup, jeans, eyebrow plucking... all of it is a quest to present this image that seems so put-together, flawless, perfect, whatever you want to call it. We try and portray to the world something that never seems true for anyone. We like to make the world believe that our lives aren't falling down around us, that we really do have it all figured out. It's funny to me when I see those girls who seem so confident and know it's all feigned. Really, they're the most insecure girls in the world. And all they want is to be loved. I used to be like that. Sometimes I still AM like that. What was that song by Out of Eden? "Looking for love in all the wrong places//just to find someone who can erase the hurt". That was me. I looked for love and comfort from men, but they're flawed and imperfect. I looked for love and comfort from a blade, but all it did was unravel me, string by string. I still look for comfort in food, but it ends up hurting me so much.
God is perfect love. God is perfect comfort. God is perfect. Human beings can't understand perfection, we don't know what that is because imperfection is at the core of our being. Until we reach glory, we will never understand God's perfection... we can't even begin to fathom it. But from experience... you don't have to understand something to give your life to it. That goes for more than just God. I didn't understand why I "had" to cut myself to alleviate the stressors in my life, but I know that it controlled my life for a very long time. You don't have to understand something to let it have control, and you don't have to understand to love. Love reaches deeper than understanding or comprehension and goes further than our petty emotions. Especially perfect love. We'll never be able to love perfectly -or do anything perfectly, for that matter- so isn't it great that we have a God whose very nature is perfection?
What if I could speak all languages of humans and of angels? If I did not love others, I would be nothing more than a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. What if I could prophesy and understand all secrets and all knowledge? And what if I had faith that moved mountains? I would be nothing, unless I loved others. What if I gave away all that I owned and let myself be burned alive? I would gain nothing, unless I loved others. Love is kind and patient, never jealous, boastful, proud, or rude. Love isn't selfish or quick tempered. It doesn't keep a record of wrongs that others do. Love rejoices in the truth, but not in evil. Love is always supportive, loyal, hopeful, and trusting. Love never fails! Everyone who prophesies will stop, and unknown languages will no longer be spoken. All that we know will be forgotten. We don't know everything, and our prophecies are not complete. But what is perfect will someday appear, and what isn't perfect will then disappear. When we were children, we thought and reasoned as children do. But when we grew up, we quit our childish ways. Now all we can see of God is like a cloudy picture in a mirror. Later we will see him face to face. We don't know everything, but then we will, just as God completely understands us. For now there are faith, hope, and love. But of these three, the greatest is love. 1 Corinthians 13
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Coo-coo Bananas!
That, by the way, is my new phrase for whenever something is to crazy for me to say, "That's CRAZAY!" Ha. And I may or may not have totally stolen it from Mannie Santos from Degrassi: The Next Generation. So if it's copyrighted, then I'm... well, yeah. Anyway. That's what these past two weeks were. Coocoo bananas, I'm telling you. It was the ultimate rollercoaster ride of emotions. God used these last two weeks to show me that whenever I try and take the wheel of my life back from Him, I do myself the biggest disservice. And that's an understatement. I saw things in myself this past week that literally scared the sin out of me. Not kidding. Besides having a panic attack, which is something I haven't done in a very long time and really don't feel like repeating again, I treated my mom like absolute crap, which is something she didn't need. It's done and over with and forgiven and everything, but I learned an extremely important lesson. God always uses our mistakes as lessons. He never beats us down with them or berates us, instead He uses them to guide us towards Him. And, as I told my mother this week, the refining process is never an easy one. It's painful, and we usually go through it stamping our feet and throwing fits in true three-year-old fashion, but the beautiful ending it always produces is totally worth it.
And you know, sometimes I call it being broken. Sometimes I call it refining. But sometimes, it's more than that. You know, gold is refined to make it closer to perfection, but it's also refined to make it stronger. Every time gold is refined, it lasts that much longer. It's old and worn and beaten, and when it's refined, it's like new again. And the entire process just keeps happening over and over again, and every time the process is repeated, the gold's worth and value increase because it becomes more pure. Isn't that an awesome analogy to think of?
So these past two weeks were difficult. I didn't give the praise to God, even in the midst of everything that was going on, and that hurts me to say that. He was waiting patiently for me these past two weeks, I think, to have that "Ohhhh... I see" moment. When those moments do come, they're thrilling and awesome and totally give you a spring-ahead on this walk of life. I have one week until my life changes forever. Drastically changes. College is no small thing. The more I look at it, though, the more I realize that God has kept me and harbored me... for such a time as this. And that makes my heart sing.
"...Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." Phil. 1:6
And you know, sometimes I call it being broken. Sometimes I call it refining. But sometimes, it's more than that. You know, gold is refined to make it closer to perfection, but it's also refined to make it stronger. Every time gold is refined, it lasts that much longer. It's old and worn and beaten, and when it's refined, it's like new again. And the entire process just keeps happening over and over again, and every time the process is repeated, the gold's worth and value increase because it becomes more pure. Isn't that an awesome analogy to think of?
So these past two weeks were difficult. I didn't give the praise to God, even in the midst of everything that was going on, and that hurts me to say that. He was waiting patiently for me these past two weeks, I think, to have that "Ohhhh... I see" moment. When those moments do come, they're thrilling and awesome and totally give you a spring-ahead on this walk of life. I have one week until my life changes forever. Drastically changes. College is no small thing. The more I look at it, though, the more I realize that God has kept me and harbored me... for such a time as this. And that makes my heart sing.
"...Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." Phil. 1:6
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Life is...
I don't even know how to finish that sentence right now. It's like a blend of amazing beauty and love and strength and miracles and, at the same time, drastic amounts of pain and anger and frustration and confusion. Why is it that we mistreat the ones that we love and who also love us the most? We pour ourselves endlessly into people who really don't care more about us than they do about the next thing. When someone truly loves us and treats us like gold and puts no conditions on their love, we berate and discourage and shame them. We treat them like crap. Why?
I love my mom. I really, really do. She's my rock. She's always been there and will always be there. I know that with everything in me. I treat her horribly. I scream and yell at her and threaten her. Sometimes she gets under my skin so much with her negativity and apparent inability to just... let things go. It drives me crazy, but it doesn't give me the excuse to do some of the things that I do to her.
I never thought that my parents would get divorced. My sister and I always thought that they would be the ones to beat the odds. And, when this all began, I believed that I was holding up surprisingly well. The truth that I'm discovering is that I'm incredibly angry and confused. Why is my mom so negative? Why does she sometimes act like a bratty fifteen-year-old? Why is my dad so manipulative? DID he actually cheat on her? Will I ever know?
Questions can drive you crazy and I've been trying to avoid them as much as possible. Just look forward to what I have in store for me. Keep moving forward and eventually, things will be okay. I always try to approach new situations in my life the way I did with the old ones. The worst part is that, even though I'm in a better place, I still really haven't nailed down exactly HOW I got here. To me, it just seems like it kind of... happened. I know that sounds strange, but it's how I feel. So how can I approach these new situations? Not the way I did in the past because I'm no longer the same as I was back then.
Eleven days until I move in to Spring Arbor and I couldn't be happier about that. When I have done well, it seems it was always when I wasn't in close proximity to my immediate family. So I'm hoping that the concentration on school and work and building new friendships and all of that other stuff will distract me for now until I can start to get a bearing on this entire situation. Hopefully soon, my mom will have someone other than me to talk to everything about. I'm not her therapist, nor do I belive that a nineteen-year-old should be giving a forty-three-year-old advice.
I'm going to bed now. I have to visit the best friend tomorrow. YAY!
I love my mom. I really, really do. She's my rock. She's always been there and will always be there. I know that with everything in me. I treat her horribly. I scream and yell at her and threaten her. Sometimes she gets under my skin so much with her negativity and apparent inability to just... let things go. It drives me crazy, but it doesn't give me the excuse to do some of the things that I do to her.
I never thought that my parents would get divorced. My sister and I always thought that they would be the ones to beat the odds. And, when this all began, I believed that I was holding up surprisingly well. The truth that I'm discovering is that I'm incredibly angry and confused. Why is my mom so negative? Why does she sometimes act like a bratty fifteen-year-old? Why is my dad so manipulative? DID he actually cheat on her? Will I ever know?
Questions can drive you crazy and I've been trying to avoid them as much as possible. Just look forward to what I have in store for me. Keep moving forward and eventually, things will be okay. I always try to approach new situations in my life the way I did with the old ones. The worst part is that, even though I'm in a better place, I still really haven't nailed down exactly HOW I got here. To me, it just seems like it kind of... happened. I know that sounds strange, but it's how I feel. So how can I approach these new situations? Not the way I did in the past because I'm no longer the same as I was back then.
Eleven days until I move in to Spring Arbor and I couldn't be happier about that. When I have done well, it seems it was always when I wasn't in close proximity to my immediate family. So I'm hoping that the concentration on school and work and building new friendships and all of that other stuff will distract me for now until I can start to get a bearing on this entire situation. Hopefully soon, my mom will have someone other than me to talk to everything about. I'm not her therapist, nor do I belive that a nineteen-year-old should be giving a forty-three-year-old advice.
I'm going to bed now. I have to visit the best friend tomorrow. YAY!
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Spread the sunshine!
I'm deciding to be positive tonight/tomorrow. My mom changed her mind yet again and we're going BACK to Ohio for the last two weeks before school starts. I'm okay with that. She made the decision without me pushing or telling her to, without my dad's influence or my sister's. She made it all by herself. If it's what she wants, and I truly believe it is, than I support her. It's just confusing to me because my parents are supposed to be filing for divorce soon and we're leaving tomorrow and yet tonight, my mom is sleeping in the same bed in the same room with the door closed with my dad. Do couples who are split up and planning divorce DO that? I thought once people decided to split, it kind of put the kibash on that kind of thing? Then again, what do I know?
The good in my life far outweighs the bad. I mean, yes my parents are filing for divorce, but I've been seeing the best in it and not the worst. I think it'll be good for both of my parents. And the whole thing with "the boy" as I refer to him, will blow over. I know it will. But I'm going to college and I have a brand new laptop and tons of financial aid and my grandparents are paying for my books and supplies and my sister is buying me cleaning stuff and giving me a Meijer gift card. I'm so blessed to have the family that I do, and I trust that this year is going to be an amazing one. I mean, I'd be lying if I said that there wasn't a slight fear that I'm going to crack under the pressure. I just have this feeling like I have the CHOICE whether to "crack" or not and there are always things I can do to make sure that that doesn't happen.
I still have yet to figure out what to do about protein and vitamins and other things like that. I might ask for a BE gift certificate for Christmas, which would be a smart thing. BE gift card, iTunes gift card... sounds like a good Christmas to me! I told my mom that I hope the entire family knows that they're getting SAU gear for Christmas when we were at the bookstore together. Ha. That place is PACKED with all kinds of crap with the SAU logo on it. And I want my parents to be proud and wear it well!
Tomorrow's going to be a long day. With a 3-hour car ride, I don't expect it not to be long. Plus it's gonna be pretty hot according to the weather report and our car doesn't have air conditioning. I don't usually wear just tank-tops, but it looks like that's the way it's gonna have to be tomorrow! I can't wait to see my baby dog, Shiloh. My border collie. I miss him sooo much. We left him down in Ohio when mom thought she was coming and staying here in Michigan so that he'd have a stable home that could provide things for him that we just don't have the money for. Now I get to spend two weeks with him before school starts and I'm SO excited for that! He means a lot to me, that dog. He's gotten me through some rough nights. Not as many as my previous baby boy, Cujo, (may he rest in peace), but enough for me to love him a LOT.
SAU is in THIRTEEN DAYS. It's mind boggling to me. I'm using that to focus right now. To zero in on what it is I want and need and have to do. I've never been one for focus or drive, so this is all new territory to me, but I love the feeling of putting my head down on the pillow at night and knowing that I did something that day to take one step towards the goals I've set for myself. I'm afraid of becoming so future-minded that I forget to live in the here and now, but my roommate seems to be pretty good at living in the moment without losing your head, so maybe I can take a cue from her.
And now I'm so tired that I'm starting to lose control of basic skills like holding my head up, so I think I'm headed off to bed. I like blogging late at night, it seems to be a sort of release that's better than anything else I've tried. Better than cutting or the eating disorder or smoking. It's great. I ramble, but like I said... not many people, if any, are reading this, so I can totally ramble and release, right? And now my eyes are starting to force themselves shut so its REALLY off to bed. See you later today, cyberland!
The good in my life far outweighs the bad. I mean, yes my parents are filing for divorce, but I've been seeing the best in it and not the worst. I think it'll be good for both of my parents. And the whole thing with "the boy" as I refer to him, will blow over. I know it will. But I'm going to college and I have a brand new laptop and tons of financial aid and my grandparents are paying for my books and supplies and my sister is buying me cleaning stuff and giving me a Meijer gift card. I'm so blessed to have the family that I do, and I trust that this year is going to be an amazing one. I mean, I'd be lying if I said that there wasn't a slight fear that I'm going to crack under the pressure. I just have this feeling like I have the CHOICE whether to "crack" or not and there are always things I can do to make sure that that doesn't happen.
I still have yet to figure out what to do about protein and vitamins and other things like that. I might ask for a BE gift certificate for Christmas, which would be a smart thing. BE gift card, iTunes gift card... sounds like a good Christmas to me! I told my mom that I hope the entire family knows that they're getting SAU gear for Christmas when we were at the bookstore together. Ha. That place is PACKED with all kinds of crap with the SAU logo on it. And I want my parents to be proud and wear it well!
Tomorrow's going to be a long day. With a 3-hour car ride, I don't expect it not to be long. Plus it's gonna be pretty hot according to the weather report and our car doesn't have air conditioning. I don't usually wear just tank-tops, but it looks like that's the way it's gonna have to be tomorrow! I can't wait to see my baby dog, Shiloh. My border collie. I miss him sooo much. We left him down in Ohio when mom thought she was coming and staying here in Michigan so that he'd have a stable home that could provide things for him that we just don't have the money for. Now I get to spend two weeks with him before school starts and I'm SO excited for that! He means a lot to me, that dog. He's gotten me through some rough nights. Not as many as my previous baby boy, Cujo, (may he rest in peace), but enough for me to love him a LOT.
SAU is in THIRTEEN DAYS. It's mind boggling to me. I'm using that to focus right now. To zero in on what it is I want and need and have to do. I've never been one for focus or drive, so this is all new territory to me, but I love the feeling of putting my head down on the pillow at night and knowing that I did something that day to take one step towards the goals I've set for myself. I'm afraid of becoming so future-minded that I forget to live in the here and now, but my roommate seems to be pretty good at living in the moment without losing your head, so maybe I can take a cue from her.
And now I'm so tired that I'm starting to lose control of basic skills like holding my head up, so I think I'm headed off to bed. I like blogging late at night, it seems to be a sort of release that's better than anything else I've tried. Better than cutting or the eating disorder or smoking. It's great. I ramble, but like I said... not many people, if any, are reading this, so I can totally ramble and release, right? And now my eyes are starting to force themselves shut so its REALLY off to bed. See you later today, cyberland!
Monday, August 24, 2009
Sleep deprived.
It's true. I haven't slept since I woke up yesterday, which was fairly late, anyway. Still... I wish I could sleep normally. I suppose once school starts it'll go back to some semblance of normalcy. Maybe. You always hear about college students having the worst sleeping patterns imaginable, but my schedule is fairly normal. Most days I have to be up early enough in the morning that by the time nightfall rolls around I'll more than likely be struggling to stay awake. Which will be strange for me, since I always have been and more than likely always will be a night owl.
Perhaps the worst part about staying up late like this is all of the time in solitude. I won't lie, I love it. It's probably what allows me to seem so extroverted throughout the day. In reality, I have a love/hate relationship with "peace and quiet". I love it because thinking can be a very good thing for me. Lots of good things have come from my staying up insanely late and having time to sort through life and not just go, go, go. The "go and do" mentality works well for me for awhile until I feel overwhelmed and worn thin and then I usually FREAK. OUT. So that's one reason why I like time to myself. I hate it, though, because it's time to myself. When left to my own devices, things can go very, horribly wrong. Sometimes I mean them to. Sometimes I don't.
Tonight was semi-productive, I think. Other than wasting a good many hours playing games like Dairy Dash and Cooking Dash and whatnot, I've also had time to think about what's behind me and what lies ahead of me. The road I've walked, (and that is now behind me), is littered with shattered dreams and hopes and even a few fragments of my heart that I left somewhere back there and may never get back. It's a sad prospect to me because I was always so insistent on maintaining my heart and holding it. And I gave it up just like every stupid girl who trusts a boy. The worst part is that we can't just do it once. Oh no. The torturous agony of having our heart smashed like a pumpkin with a sledge hammer once isn't enough for us. We prefer to play the game. Part of me is glad I'm experiencing this thing called a broken heart now. Still, the girl that longs for God to write her love story isn't dead. I pick up the pieces of my heart, hand them over to God, and let Him have them and mend them. Because He does it better than I ever did or could do.
I've also been thinking a lot of my weight. It's like this never ending cycle. A demon on my shoulder that has an apparent lack in the ability to die. I went on countless diets. Didn't do anything. I had gastric bypass surgery and lost 150 pounds and have gained back thirty of those. I was diagnosed with an eating disorder, (EDNOS since they couldn't decide between Anorexia, Purging Type, Bulimia, or Binge Eating Disorder), and other than making me unbelievably sick and keeping me AT a certain weight, it didn't help me lose anything. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Multiple diets, stomach spliced and intestines rearranged, and daily meals flushed down the toilet and I am STILL the fat girl. It's unbelievable to me and it makes me feel... so damn hopeless.
I wish I could live the lifestyle that seems to come to other people so naturally. I feel like I will always be stuck with crap. Crap food. Crap people. Crap doctors. When do I get the fairytale experience that other people can't seem to stop raving on about? IS it because they can afford what I can't? Does the fairytale have to be bought? No one made me aware of that. When I had my surgery, protein shakes weren't really mentioned until my one week check-up when they said, "You need to start drinking protein supplements. They sell them at Walmart." So I bought a big jug of the chocolate powder from Walmart. If bodybuilders did it, I could too, right? Eeeewwwwwww.... it was AWFUL. Why was it that I could shove an entire Subway footlong sub into my body without really tasting it, but now that this counted for nutrition and health every mouthful was like a torturous combination of spoiled milk, sawdust, and cocoa powder? So I didn't drink them, of course.
Then I discover that there IS such a thing in this world as good tasting protein. I've had it before, I know it exists. The stuff I really love, the Muscle Milk Banana Creme, is apparently not good for post-ops, so I didn't drink it anymore. Too much sugar. Why was it other people dumped like a garbage truck when they even eyed something with over five grams of sugar and here I was, surgeon telling me I wouldn't dump, indulging in Hershey's Kisses as soon as I could covince myself they were "safe". Anyway, back to the protein, (I always get sidetracked by chocolate). I KNOW that good tasting protein is out there. The issue we have? It happens to be RIDICULOUSLY expensive. So Ashlee had a choice: try and find a way to get my hands on that protein, shut up and chug/gag down THREE of those awful sour milk/sawdust/cocoa concoctions a day, or not drink it at all and watch my health tank. I got my hands on some of the good stuff. But good stuff doesn't last forever. And woman cannot live on charity alone.
So I'm back to the "I'd rather spend a day with a pack of rabid Tasmanian Devils than drink that cheap crap" attitude. Which gets me no where and I am, thusly, responsible for my own health failing me. I really just am at a loss for what to do. I once said I would drink toilet water every day if I had a guarantee that it would make me thin, but I guess its just not true. There are certain things a human being just can't do. Maybe I was designed to be this way, I don't know... here I go resigning myself again. I HATE to be so damn doom and gloom. I just wish someone would have told me the fiscal ramifications of the life I was jumping into absolutely blindfolded.
Maybe angels from heaven will start dropping Oh Yeah! Shakes and Kay's Naturals Chips on my dorm like manna from heaven. (FYI God... I wouldn't protest!) All I know is that if it seems like I'm overwhelmingly negative in my posts, it's because the rest of the day I really am trying my hardest to be positive and put good things out there in the universe for other people. This seems to be the one place where I can totally say: "Yeah. Life kinda blows." But that's just it: Life DOESN'T blow. Not by a long shot. I'm going to college in two weeks and have a brand new laptop and a bunch of other things. And, even if they are falling to shambles, a family that loves me very much. So why am I so focused on weight?
Maybe it's because I'm sick of being the fat girl. Maybe it's because for once in my life, I'd like to walk into a room and not have people staring at me in a negative way and getting all uncomfortable and thinking: "Oh God. A fat girl. Don't look at her and maybe she'll go away." I don't WANT to have to dread a class with physical activity, a camping trip for a class, meeting new people and defying expectations. I want to be me... and I want to be free. I just have no clue how to get there.
Perhaps the worst part about staying up late like this is all of the time in solitude. I won't lie, I love it. It's probably what allows me to seem so extroverted throughout the day. In reality, I have a love/hate relationship with "peace and quiet". I love it because thinking can be a very good thing for me. Lots of good things have come from my staying up insanely late and having time to sort through life and not just go, go, go. The "go and do" mentality works well for me for awhile until I feel overwhelmed and worn thin and then I usually FREAK. OUT. So that's one reason why I like time to myself. I hate it, though, because it's time to myself. When left to my own devices, things can go very, horribly wrong. Sometimes I mean them to. Sometimes I don't.
Tonight was semi-productive, I think. Other than wasting a good many hours playing games like Dairy Dash and Cooking Dash and whatnot, I've also had time to think about what's behind me and what lies ahead of me. The road I've walked, (and that is now behind me), is littered with shattered dreams and hopes and even a few fragments of my heart that I left somewhere back there and may never get back. It's a sad prospect to me because I was always so insistent on maintaining my heart and holding it. And I gave it up just like every stupid girl who trusts a boy. The worst part is that we can't just do it once. Oh no. The torturous agony of having our heart smashed like a pumpkin with a sledge hammer once isn't enough for us. We prefer to play the game. Part of me is glad I'm experiencing this thing called a broken heart now. Still, the girl that longs for God to write her love story isn't dead. I pick up the pieces of my heart, hand them over to God, and let Him have them and mend them. Because He does it better than I ever did or could do.
I've also been thinking a lot of my weight. It's like this never ending cycle. A demon on my shoulder that has an apparent lack in the ability to die. I went on countless diets. Didn't do anything. I had gastric bypass surgery and lost 150 pounds and have gained back thirty of those. I was diagnosed with an eating disorder, (EDNOS since they couldn't decide between Anorexia, Purging Type, Bulimia, or Binge Eating Disorder), and other than making me unbelievably sick and keeping me AT a certain weight, it didn't help me lose anything. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Multiple diets, stomach spliced and intestines rearranged, and daily meals flushed down the toilet and I am STILL the fat girl. It's unbelievable to me and it makes me feel... so damn hopeless.
I wish I could live the lifestyle that seems to come to other people so naturally. I feel like I will always be stuck with crap. Crap food. Crap people. Crap doctors. When do I get the fairytale experience that other people can't seem to stop raving on about? IS it because they can afford what I can't? Does the fairytale have to be bought? No one made me aware of that. When I had my surgery, protein shakes weren't really mentioned until my one week check-up when they said, "You need to start drinking protein supplements. They sell them at Walmart." So I bought a big jug of the chocolate powder from Walmart. If bodybuilders did it, I could too, right? Eeeewwwwwww.... it was AWFUL. Why was it that I could shove an entire Subway footlong sub into my body without really tasting it, but now that this counted for nutrition and health every mouthful was like a torturous combination of spoiled milk, sawdust, and cocoa powder? So I didn't drink them, of course.
Then I discover that there IS such a thing in this world as good tasting protein. I've had it before, I know it exists. The stuff I really love, the Muscle Milk Banana Creme, is apparently not good for post-ops, so I didn't drink it anymore. Too much sugar. Why was it other people dumped like a garbage truck when they even eyed something with over five grams of sugar and here I was, surgeon telling me I wouldn't dump, indulging in Hershey's Kisses as soon as I could covince myself they were "safe". Anyway, back to the protein, (I always get sidetracked by chocolate). I KNOW that good tasting protein is out there. The issue we have? It happens to be RIDICULOUSLY expensive. So Ashlee had a choice: try and find a way to get my hands on that protein, shut up and chug/gag down THREE of those awful sour milk/sawdust/cocoa concoctions a day, or not drink it at all and watch my health tank. I got my hands on some of the good stuff. But good stuff doesn't last forever. And woman cannot live on charity alone.
So I'm back to the "I'd rather spend a day with a pack of rabid Tasmanian Devils than drink that cheap crap" attitude. Which gets me no where and I am, thusly, responsible for my own health failing me. I really just am at a loss for what to do. I once said I would drink toilet water every day if I had a guarantee that it would make me thin, but I guess its just not true. There are certain things a human being just can't do. Maybe I was designed to be this way, I don't know... here I go resigning myself again. I HATE to be so damn doom and gloom. I just wish someone would have told me the fiscal ramifications of the life I was jumping into absolutely blindfolded.
Maybe angels from heaven will start dropping Oh Yeah! Shakes and Kay's Naturals Chips on my dorm like manna from heaven. (FYI God... I wouldn't protest!) All I know is that if it seems like I'm overwhelmingly negative in my posts, it's because the rest of the day I really am trying my hardest to be positive and put good things out there in the universe for other people. This seems to be the one place where I can totally say: "Yeah. Life kinda blows." But that's just it: Life DOESN'T blow. Not by a long shot. I'm going to college in two weeks and have a brand new laptop and a bunch of other things. And, even if they are falling to shambles, a family that loves me very much. So why am I so focused on weight?
Maybe it's because I'm sick of being the fat girl. Maybe it's because for once in my life, I'd like to walk into a room and not have people staring at me in a negative way and getting all uncomfortable and thinking: "Oh God. A fat girl. Don't look at her and maybe she'll go away." I don't WANT to have to dread a class with physical activity, a camping trip for a class, meeting new people and defying expectations. I want to be me... and I want to be free. I just have no clue how to get there.
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