It blows my mind that in four days, I won't be sitting in this extremely comfortable bed here in my bedroom at the top of the stairs in Ohio. I'll be sitting on a twin bed in a dorm room at Spring Arbor University. I'll be talking about classes and people and events. I'm worried that I'll be homesick. It's strange to me, to see all of these people who are having such a hard time saying goodbye. They all seem so deeply rooted in their churches, high schools, and high school friendships. That was never me, so I look at it with curiosity and little understanding. Sometimes it hurts to know that, other than my family, I really don't have anyone to say goodbye to or anyone that wants to say goodbye to me. I look forward to college so much because I see it as my chance to build the friendships in high school that never came. Friendships rooted in Christ. That thrills me.
Even with as much anticipation as I have, I'm still so apprehensive. I've never been good in social situations with large groups of people. I don't know what to say or how to act, and people really don't know how to respond to me a lot of the time. After all, overweight people will always make people uncomfortable. A fact I don't like about the world, but one that, no matter how much you dislike it, is still true. I try and tell myself that it'll be different this time. High school wasn't the fairy tale experience for me. High school was hell on earth, and the last thing I want is for it to be repeated. I have this whole new, fresh chance sitting smack dab in front of me... waiting for four more days. It's overwhelming.
I have to take it in in small pieces. If I really try to wrap my brain around what this means, I could very well have another panic attack. Still... I choose to look at the amazing things that I KNOW are going to come of this and not the things that scare me or make me so extremely nervous. I can't believe the journey God has taken me on over the past three months. Because three months ago, I was a high school dropout. I was so resigned, and I just begged God to show me the next move... what to do next. It was only in casual passing that a former teacher whom I'm still really close with mentioned that I should apply for SAU. I thought, "Yeah... right." But did it, anyway.
For years, I swore I'd never, ever be caught DEAD at a Christian school. Too much hurt and pain associated with the church and its "organization" to even consider it. I had to take my GED tests, and that was nerve-wracking. Aside from merely passing, there was a certain score I had to attain to be automatically permitted to SAU, and that's what I was aiming for. I told God that I never could have dreamed this for myself. That's the point. I didn't dream this for myself. It wasn't my dream. I KNOW, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that this was God's dream for me. When my GED scores came, I thought they were enough... somewhere in the back of my brain, I KNEW they were enough. I'll never forget the day when Lauren from the admissions office said, "Ashlee, I'm glad to be the first to officially welcome you to the Spring Arbor University Class of 2013." I went over the MOON! From blessings in financial aid to classes to the most awesome admissions rep to the best roommate that was totally God ordained to a total stranger giving me a laptop... God has PROVEN to me that He exists over these past three months, something I've been beggging for since I was thirteen years old. He has filled me, anointed the path of my feet, and completely taken over my life.
"Pushed to the wall, I called to God; from the wide open spaces, he answered. God's now at my side and I'm not afraid; who would dare lay a hand on me? God's my strong champion; I flick off my enemies like flies. Far better to take refuge in God than trust in people; Far better to take refuge in God than trust in celebrities. Hemmed in by barbarians, in God's name I rubbed their faces in the dirt; Hemmed in and with no way out, in God's name I rubbed their faces in the dirt; Like swarming bees, like wild prairie fire, they hemmed me in; in God's name I rubbed their faces in the dirt. I was right on the cliff-edge, ready to fall, when God grabbed and held me. God's my strength, he's also my song, and now he's my salvation. Hear the shouts, hear the triumph songs in the camp of the saved? "The hand of God has turned the tide! The hand of God is raised in victory! The hand of God has turned the tide!" Psalm 118:5-16, The Message (emphasis mine)
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Setting boundaries
It's funny to me how even the most ordinary days can have lessons tucked inside of them. I was literally sitting there today, thinking to myself, "Well this day is going to be hard to blog about", that's how boring it was. That amuses me. Even with today being so ordinary, though, I still learned something. And if I can make it stick, I know it will help me in college and beyond.
No one likes to be wrong. It's a horrible thing at the start. Often, when we're wrong, we end up learning from it and appreciating the mistake, but that doesn't mean it isn't hard to own. I, for one, know that when someone points out that I'm wrong, I usually get very quiet and refuse to look them in the eyes, afraid of either bursting out in tears or in anger. It upsets me when I'm less than perfect because I always thought that being right made things easier... just because someone is right doesn't make them better, it just allows for learning and growing. Besides, humans are creatures of habit. There are many many things I grew up knowing that weren't right or justified and, even now, I hate to have them challenged. Once they're pointed out to me and explained, it becomes my obligation to correct them in my life and to start anew. That's scary, in case you didn't know.
Some of the ways I function are all I've ever known. Even if it's not correct or "normal", it's normal to me. It seems fine to me because that's just the way things were. So when it's pointed out to me that something isn't normal or correct, I usually get upset because I realize how screwed up it is and how I have to change it. Change isn't easy, and humans will always look for the easy way out. Which, I think, is why faith can be so difficult to walk out. Humans are animals with instincts. And our survival instinct always tells us to make things as easy as possible. Faith isn't easy. Living it out is even harder than just having it in the first place. It takes constant diligence and awareness. It's hard work. And it's totally worth it.
What if you could have everything you ever needed? Well you can. God wants for us to be peaceful and still, but there are still reasons why this walk is compared so many times to physical activity in the scriptures. How hard is it for you to run a mile? How about five miles? Ten? That's what I thought... everyone gets worn out at some point. So it's a good thing that Jesus is the ultimate rejuvenator. You can run and run and run... as long as He lives in you, you'll always be able to keep going. Live to fight one more day. I can honestly say that's the only reason why I've made it this far and why I have hope for such an amazing future. Because an amazing God has the helm of my life. IS my life!
"Why would you ever complain, O Jacob, or, whine, Israel, saying,"God has lost track of me. He doesn't care what happens to me"? Don't you know anything? Haven't you been listening? God doesn't come and go. God lasts. He's Creator of all you can see or imagine. He doesn't get tired out, doesn't pause to catch his breath. And he knows everything, inside and out. He energizes those who get tired, gives fresh strength to dropouts. For even young people tire and drop out, young folk in their prime stumble and fall. But those who wait upon God get fresh strength. They spread their wings and soar like eagles, They run and don't get tired, they walk and don't lag behind." Isaiah 40:31 (Message)
"Do you see what this means—all these pioneers who blazed the way, all these veterans cheering us on? It means we'd better get on with it. Strip down, start running—and never quit! No extra spiritual fat, no parasitic sins. Keep your eyes on Jesus, who both began and finished this race we're in. Study how he did it. Because he never lost sight of where he was headed—that exhilarating finish in and with God—he could put up with anything along the way: Cross, shame, whatever. And now he's there, in the place of honor, right alongside God. When you find yourselves flagging in your faith, go over that story again, item by item, that long litany of hostility he plowed through. That will shoot adrenaline into your souls!" Hebrews 12:1-2 (Message)
"I'm not saying that I have this all together, that I have it made. But I am well on my way, reaching out for Christ, who has so wondrously reached out for me. Friends, don't get me wrong: By no means do I count myself an expert in all of this, but I've got my eye on the goal, where God is beckoning us onward—to Jesus. I'm off and running, and I'm not turning back. So let's keep focused on that goal, those of us who want everything God has for us. If any of you have something else in mind, something less than total commitment, God will clear your blurred vision—you'll see it yet! Now that we're on the right track, let's stay on it." Philippians 3:12-16 (Message)
No one likes to be wrong. It's a horrible thing at the start. Often, when we're wrong, we end up learning from it and appreciating the mistake, but that doesn't mean it isn't hard to own. I, for one, know that when someone points out that I'm wrong, I usually get very quiet and refuse to look them in the eyes, afraid of either bursting out in tears or in anger. It upsets me when I'm less than perfect because I always thought that being right made things easier... just because someone is right doesn't make them better, it just allows for learning and growing. Besides, humans are creatures of habit. There are many many things I grew up knowing that weren't right or justified and, even now, I hate to have them challenged. Once they're pointed out to me and explained, it becomes my obligation to correct them in my life and to start anew. That's scary, in case you didn't know.
Some of the ways I function are all I've ever known. Even if it's not correct or "normal", it's normal to me. It seems fine to me because that's just the way things were. So when it's pointed out to me that something isn't normal or correct, I usually get upset because I realize how screwed up it is and how I have to change it. Change isn't easy, and humans will always look for the easy way out. Which, I think, is why faith can be so difficult to walk out. Humans are animals with instincts. And our survival instinct always tells us to make things as easy as possible. Faith isn't easy. Living it out is even harder than just having it in the first place. It takes constant diligence and awareness. It's hard work. And it's totally worth it.
What if you could have everything you ever needed? Well you can. God wants for us to be peaceful and still, but there are still reasons why this walk is compared so many times to physical activity in the scriptures. How hard is it for you to run a mile? How about five miles? Ten? That's what I thought... everyone gets worn out at some point. So it's a good thing that Jesus is the ultimate rejuvenator. You can run and run and run... as long as He lives in you, you'll always be able to keep going. Live to fight one more day. I can honestly say that's the only reason why I've made it this far and why I have hope for such an amazing future. Because an amazing God has the helm of my life. IS my life!
"Why would you ever complain, O Jacob, or, whine, Israel, saying,"God has lost track of me. He doesn't care what happens to me"? Don't you know anything? Haven't you been listening? God doesn't come and go. God lasts. He's Creator of all you can see or imagine. He doesn't get tired out, doesn't pause to catch his breath. And he knows everything, inside and out. He energizes those who get tired, gives fresh strength to dropouts. For even young people tire and drop out, young folk in their prime stumble and fall. But those who wait upon God get fresh strength. They spread their wings and soar like eagles, They run and don't get tired, they walk and don't lag behind." Isaiah 40:31 (Message)
"Do you see what this means—all these pioneers who blazed the way, all these veterans cheering us on? It means we'd better get on with it. Strip down, start running—and never quit! No extra spiritual fat, no parasitic sins. Keep your eyes on Jesus, who both began and finished this race we're in. Study how he did it. Because he never lost sight of where he was headed—that exhilarating finish in and with God—he could put up with anything along the way: Cross, shame, whatever. And now he's there, in the place of honor, right alongside God. When you find yourselves flagging in your faith, go over that story again, item by item, that long litany of hostility he plowed through. That will shoot adrenaline into your souls!" Hebrews 12:1-2 (Message)
"I'm not saying that I have this all together, that I have it made. But I am well on my way, reaching out for Christ, who has so wondrously reached out for me. Friends, don't get me wrong: By no means do I count myself an expert in all of this, but I've got my eye on the goal, where God is beckoning us onward—to Jesus. I'm off and running, and I'm not turning back. So let's keep focused on that goal, those of us who want everything God has for us. If any of you have something else in mind, something less than total commitment, God will clear your blurred vision—you'll see it yet! Now that we're on the right track, let's stay on it." Philippians 3:12-16 (Message)
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)
