It's gonna be okay.

It blows my mind that in four days, I won't be sitting in this extremely comfortable bed here in my bedroom at the top of the stairs in Ohio. I'll be sitting on a twin bed in a dorm room at Spring Arbor University. I'll be talking about classes and people and events. I'm worried that I'll be homesick. It's strange to me, to see all of these people who are having such a hard time saying goodbye. They all seem so deeply rooted in their churches, high schools, and high school friendships. That was never me, so I look at it with curiosity and little understanding. Sometimes it hurts to know that, other than my family, I really don't have anyone to say goodbye to or anyone that wants to say goodbye to me. I look forward to college so much because I see it as my chance to build the friendships in high school that never came. Friendships rooted in Christ. That thrills me.

Even with as much anticipation as I have, I'm still so apprehensive. I've never been good in social situations with large groups of people. I don't know what to say or how to act, and people really don't know how to respond to me a lot of the time. After all, overweight people will always make people uncomfortable. A fact I don't like about the world, but one that, no matter how much you dislike it, is still true. I try and tell myself that it'll be different this time. High school wasn't the fairy tale experience for me. High school was hell on earth, and the last thing I want is for it to be repeated. I have this whole new, fresh chance sitting smack dab in front of me... waiting for four more days. It's overwhelming.

I have to take it in in small pieces. If I really try to wrap my brain around what this means, I could very well have another panic attack. Still... I choose to look at the amazing things that I KNOW are going to come of this and not the things that scare me or make me so extremely nervous. I can't believe the journey God has taken me on over the past three months. Because three months ago, I was a high school dropout. I was so resigned, and I just begged God to show me the next move... what to do next. It was only in casual passing that a former teacher whom I'm still really close with mentioned that I should apply for SAU. I thought, "Yeah... right." But did it, anyway.

For years, I swore I'd never, ever be caught DEAD at a Christian school. Too much hurt and pain associated with the church and its "organization" to even consider it. I had to take my GED tests, and that was nerve-wracking. Aside from merely passing, there was a certain score I had to attain to be automatically permitted to SAU, and that's what I was aiming for. I told God that I never could have dreamed this for myself. That's the point. I didn't dream this for myself. It wasn't my dream. I KNOW, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that this was God's dream for me. When my GED scores came, I thought they were enough... somewhere in the back of my brain, I KNEW they were enough. I'll never forget the day when Lauren from the admissions office said, "Ashlee, I'm glad to be the first to officially welcome you to the Spring Arbor University Class of 2013." I went over the MOON! From blessings in financial aid to classes to the most awesome admissions rep to the best roommate that was totally God ordained to a total stranger giving me a laptop... God has PROVEN to me that He exists over these past three months, something I've been beggging for since I was thirteen years old. He has filled me, anointed the path of my feet, and completely taken over my life.

"Pushed to the wall, I called to God; from the wide open spaces, he answered. God's now at my side and I'm not afraid; who would dare lay a hand on me? God's my strong champion; I flick off my enemies like flies. Far better to take refuge in God than trust in people; Far better to take refuge in God than trust in celebrities. Hemmed in by barbarians, in God's name I rubbed their faces in the dirt; Hemmed in and with no way out, in God's name I rubbed their faces in the dirt; Like swarming bees, like wild prairie fire, they hemmed me in; in God's name I rubbed their faces in the dirt. I was right on the cliff-edge, ready to fall, when God grabbed and held me. God's my strength, he's also my song, and now he's my salvation. Hear the shouts, hear the triumph songs in the camp of the saved? "The hand of God has turned the tide! The hand of God is raised in victory! The hand of God has turned the tide!" Psalm 118:5-16, The Message (emphasis mine)