Life is...

I don't even know how to finish that sentence right now. It's like a blend of amazing beauty and love and strength and miracles and, at the same time, drastic amounts of pain and anger and frustration and confusion. Why is it that we mistreat the ones that we love and who also love us the most? We pour ourselves endlessly into people who really don't care more about us than they do about the next thing. When someone truly loves us and treats us like gold and puts no conditions on their love, we berate and discourage and shame them. We treat them like crap. Why?

I love my mom. I really, really do. She's my rock. She's always been there and will always be there. I know that with everything in me. I treat her horribly. I scream and yell at her and threaten her. Sometimes she gets under my skin so much with her negativity and apparent inability to just... let things go. It drives me crazy, but it doesn't give me the excuse to do some of the things that I do to her.

I never thought that my parents would get divorced. My sister and I always thought that they would be the ones to beat the odds. And, when this all began, I believed that I was holding up surprisingly well. The truth that I'm discovering is that I'm incredibly angry and confused. Why is my mom so negative? Why does she sometimes act like a bratty fifteen-year-old? Why is my dad so manipulative? DID he actually cheat on her? Will I ever know?

Questions can drive you crazy and I've been trying to avoid them as much as possible. Just look forward to what I have in store for me. Keep moving forward and eventually, things will be okay. I always try to approach new situations in my life the way I did with the old ones. The worst part is that, even though I'm in a better place, I still really haven't nailed down exactly HOW I got here. To me, it just seems like it kind of... happened. I know that sounds strange, but it's how I feel. So how can I approach these new situations? Not the way I did in the past because I'm no longer the same as I was back then.

Eleven days until I move in to Spring Arbor and I couldn't be happier about that. When I have done well, it seems it was always when I wasn't in close proximity to my immediate family. So I'm hoping that the concentration on school and work and building new friendships and all of that other stuff will distract me for now until I can start to get a bearing on this entire situation. Hopefully soon, my mom will have someone other than me to talk to everything about. I'm not her therapist, nor do I belive that a nineteen-year-old should be giving a forty-three-year-old advice.

I'm going to bed now. I have to visit the best friend tomorrow. YAY!