Return to blogging...

I return! I figured now was a good time to start blogging again. School starts in fifteen days. That's right, people... Ashlee is going to college. Spring Arbor University in Jackson, Michigan! I'm beyond thrilled and looking forward to this life change with so much anticipation. I have considered majoring in Worship Arts and will be taking a lot of music classes this semester, but I'm still undecided. I might decide to major in education along with the music and become a high school choir director, since I've always loved choirs and the idea of teaching.

I'm in pain tonight. I have no idea why. It's this pain in my abs that's sharp and just almost unbearable. I think it might be because of stress, but I'm really not sure. I should've had surgery in April like I was supposed to, but once again, my insurance fell through and I couldn't. I want this fixed and over with. Maybe then there won't be any more pain. I know I need to get through this school year and then I can focus on having surgery next summer, but I'm afraid the surgeon in Detroit won't be willing or able to perform the surgery and, let's face it, there aren't many surgeons who can deal with the condition that I have. I'm terrified that the longer I wait, the more damage I'll do and maybe what wasn't originally emergent could very well become that way. That scares me and I'm not quite sure what to do about it.

There are a million things to blog about. Classes. College. Food. Post-op lifestyle. I don't even know where to start. All I know is that right now I'm taking it one day at a time. It's frustrating to me that currently I KNOW what to do and how to eat, but I seem unable to do so. I'm here in this house with barely any food and no money to get more. Seriously... it's scary. I came up here originally thinking I'd only be here for a week and totally forgot my protein powders and vitamins so I feel like absolute crap and have been eating crap. Everytime I eat crap I feel so horrid about myself and I just feel... really lost. I want to do well and I just can't seem to do that. No one ever told me how expensive post-op life is. I just keep thinking if I had known... no one in my family has money for protein, vitamins, foods, exercise stuff.... any of that.

So I'm whining. I know I am. I'm gonna be quiet now. I really have been trying to be positive lately and I guess it all just came spilling out tonight on this computer in this little white box. I want to be positive. But maybe positivity requires money, as well. Ha. A little sarcasm for you. Anyway, I know it will get better. School is going to be awesome. And I can't wait.

Love. <3